my miscarriage story, part 1 -- an intro

To my dear friends and anyone still hanging on to this blog thread, 

It's been months since I've last written, but not as long as I thought. I imagined at least a year having passed since my last post but it's only been about four months. Not too bad, but far longer than I'd like. I still have hopes and dreams of re-launching this blog into a sense of regularity, resurrecting the pretty picture collages and day themes. I make no promise of such an effort -- I will write when I have the creative brain power and time. 

Now seems to be one of those times.

images courtesy of thatkindofwoman.tumblr.com

A lot has been on my mind as the year has folded into autumn, my favourite season for every comfy reason -- fruity pies, football all Saturday long, coats and sweaters, pots of soups and chili simmering on the stovetop. I often find myself contemplative this time of year. I'm not sure why but perhaps it has something to do with my birthday in August and my wedding anniversary in October -- two large life events. 

My birthday is no longer just my birthday -- it is the anniversary of my first miscarriage -- forever changed. In the fall of last year, I curled up into healing position, leaning on family and friends to help me through the hard time. I was in a job I didn't like, surrounded by people I didn't connect with, a long commute, and a body I couldn't whip back into shape. 

As time passed, I settled into a routine of denial -- faking my life as I knew it, and eventually I had events to look forward to -- Thanksgiving and Christmas were right around the corner, and I loved both holidays immensely. Both were jampacked with traditions I treasured that we had created as a family. As we moved through Thanksgiving and then Christmas, I felt all was well and couldn't foresee the depression that was looming ahead, ready to bulldoze my denial and send me down a rabbit hole. 

Because, you see, I was pregnant again. 

But this baby was also not meant to be, and my miscarriage was set for Valentine's Day. The night before was a Friday, so my husband and I dressed up and lived up the night at our favourite French restaurant, Cafe Claude. We looked dashing together and he kept reminding me how pretty I looked that night. The following day I buckled in pain -- the agony familiar from the first time. 

Healing took longer and required more help. I couldn't brush it aside by sleeping it off or faking happiness; I just didn't have it inside of me. All my happiness was gone, swept from me without consent. I lashed out at my family and pulled away from my God and faith, angry at their promises instead of hopeful. My eyes flooded with tears at the slightest mention of family or when someone showed sincere love toward me or even just random moments. I'd find myself dashing to the bathroom to hide from my coworkers so I wouldn't have to explain. 

I could no longer burden my family and friends, especially my husband, with my sadness so I turned to a therapist. And that started to help.

It helped but it still took time, which was the most valuable lesson my therapist taught me. Patience with myself during this painful time was what I needed more than anything. Patience to let myself feel what I needed to feel. Patience to let myself cry. Patience with my body as the reminders of the pregnancy started to fade. Patience. 

Finally hope and faith were restored, and even happiness. My life has been forever changed -- I'm not the person I was before those two pregnancies. My naivete has been washed away by life experience, and my emotions are now ever-present at the surface, ready to flood down my cheeks. 

Yet, life improvements continue. I found a new job, with people I related to better. I signed up for bar method classes and quickly fell in love with the routine and community of women. I finished my copy editing course and started reading. I started talking and sharing my story with women around me, finding a similar story in a woman who has now become a friend and confidante. 

And here I am now. The depression and denial are in my past; we're about to move back into our apartment which has been remodeled/updated since a pipe burst mid-June; and I'm enjoying the last bites of the first pot of chili this season -- many more to follow. 

Life and me -- we're doing pretty okay. 


Yours truly, and until we meet again,
KCB

part 1  |  part 2  |  part 3  |  part 4

halloween: forget costumes and visit haunted spots instead.

i'm not really one who celebrates halloween. i'll often think up great costumes throughout the year but when the time draws closer, the caring falls to the wayside. instead, i'll stand back, observe, and oooo and ahhh over the costumes of others, or help my husband's daughter collect pieces for her pirate costume, including my very own tall black boots. i like that. that's pretty fun. but what i really crave during this time of year when the nights are longer and the weather is cool with a brisk chill in the evening breeze is visiting spooky sites and going on haunted tours like those listed in daily candy's coast to coast: the country's best haunted places. my imagination gets deliciously tangled in the spooky lore, tales, and myths.

images courtesy of dailycandy

• sleepy hollow: headless horseman ichabod crane and katrina van tassel are buried in this new york cemetery
• laurel hill cemetery: located in philadelphia, this cemetery boasts ornate monuments and tombstones; scary beautiful
• stow lake: according to legend, a mysterious woman in white appears and is desperate for details on her lost baby, who reportedly rolled into the golden gate park waters more than 100 years ago
• eastern state penitentiary: inmates, like al capone, and officers have long reported paranormal activity at this philadelphia defunct prison
• winchester mystery house: after a medium told her to appease angry spirits, rifle company heiress sarah winchester became obsessed with building them a place to live and ended up with a 160-room victorian mansion in san jose, california; legend states that the blue room is where sarah communed with ghosts nightly
• charleston old city jail: once a house for civil war prisoners, pirates and others ne'er-do-wells, the spirits of these and that of ruthless local hotel owner, lavinia fisher--hanged for mass murders--are said to still be alive
• farnam mansion: now a bed and breakfast inn, the owners encourage guests to investigate the unexplained footsteps, shadowy figures, and moving objects in this baroque, italiante-style house in upstate new york
• sutro baths: for those brave enough to visit the site at night, they can light a candle and place it at the end of the tunnel; it's been said someone will come and throw it into the ocean below; the sutro baths burned down in 1966
• pike place market: known to be the most haunted location in the northwest thanks to its empty stalls and inside lower levels the market; on the seattle market ghost tour, you'll make footprints through the city's first mortuary site, an old graveyard, and a former brother; this spot is loaded with history and storytelling tradition
• corn maze: texas corn maze in the dark--need i say more? 
• 13 nights at jiminy: more than 300 years ago, berkshire farmers in the valley of jericho went near mad from disease and supernatural intrusion
• philadephia tour: this town if full of local lore and edgar allan poe was a philadelphian
• green-wood cemetery: imposing gothic gates welcome you to this sprawling 478+ acre burial ground in brooklyn; grandiose tombstones and common graves, this cemetery is home to boss tweed, louis comfort tiffany, a few of the roosevelt clan, other noteworthy new yorkers, and 103 victims of a brooklyn theatre fire
• graceland cemetery:  the tomb of inez clarke who died at age 6 in 1880, as well as others, are marked by life-size statues of the entombed; spirits are said to linger near their memorials in this chicago cemetery

have you visited any of the sites listed? would you? being a local to san francisco, i'm curious about the stowe lake and sutro baths mystery. maybe the hubs and i will check them out this weekend.

autumn fall pumpkin patch cozy cooking weekend ahead!

hooray!
hurrah!
yippee!

the weekend is here and it finally feels like fall. the mornings have been very brisk and warming only a few degrees throughout the day. i love this kind of weather. it begs for snuggling and cups of tea and early bedtime. swoon.

none of that this weekend, though. we will be hustlin' and bustlin' all over the bay area. to kick things off, i'm hoping to squeeze in a pedicure after work (and the latest episode of scandal if i can) while my hubs meets a buddy. later, we might head over to a pumpkin patch, or work on halloween costumes. (i'm thinking of being a scrabble tile. k's are worth 5 points!) tomorrow we're being treated to breakfast and considering a trip out to the famous half moon bay pumpkin patch. then it's guitar lessons and grocery shopping for sunday dinner at leland house. my husband's church volunteers once a month or so to visit with the guests and prepare dinner for them. we're heading it up this sunday and i'm thinking 3 different pots of soup to spread the cheer of autumn. it makes for a tiring afternoon but volunteering always feels good in the end.

so there it is--fall is here and we're embracing it with all our might. what are your weekend plans? are you kicking up or raking leaves in your neighbourhood, maybe for the kids to jump into? i used to do that as a kid, except when my brothers formed a maze and we could only run through it. leaves crackling underfoot--isn't that just one of the best nature sounds? swoon.

love truly,
kb

p.s. saturday was our original wedding date. we changed it and i think i'm glad we did. otherwise, i wouldn't be able to celebrate two weeks of wedded bliss!

mmmmm...cozy anthropologie sweaters.

oh goodness. i think i've died and traveled to cozy sweater land, where all the days are overcast with a slight drizzle and a brisk fall chill lingers like a sweet whispered nothing in the air. i get to wear soft, chunky knit sweaters all day layered over tees and leggings with booties or cable socks and i'm sitting at my writing desk typing away and drinking steamed milk sprinkled with cinnamon and stirred with honey. my hair is in a ponytail or knot, my glasses are on and suzy, my fluffy cat, slithers her body around my legs and the chair purring for attention.

images courtesy of anthropologie.com

confetti striped pullover, $138  /  emerson sweater, $128  /  glissando sweater tunic, $138  /  kivalina hoodie, $194  /  emile cardigan, $128  /  arslan sweater coat, $198  /  rennes sweater, $88

my favourites: confetti striped pullover, emerson sweater, kivalina hoodie, emile cardigan, and the rennes sweater. well, gosh, that's all but two that i pictured above.

dearest bay area, i love you but this indian summer is killing me. bring me fall.

fall, i adore you.

i'm ready; ready for fall.

i'm ready for lightweight blouses layered under warm sweaters, jeans, booties and scarves. 
i'm ready for tights and wool skirts, capes, gloves and hats. 
i'm ready for shorter days and the romance of san francisco glowing in city lights.  
i'm ready for evenings sitting outside peet's with a cup of steaming hot milk flavoured with honey and a generous sprinkling of cinnamon.  
i'm ready for days of football and pots of chili simmering on the stovetop. 
i'm ready for the fragrance of autumn lingering in the air and the sound of leaves crunching underfoot.
i'm ready for more nights in, cozied up on the sofa in a homemade afghan, with toast, tea, movies and cooking shows. 

here's to fall--my favourite season. 

f. scott fitgerald said it best: life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall. 

fall, please hurry and get here. i miss and adore you. 

images courtesy of tkow

i would like to have a cow.

after visiting mcclelland's dairy on saturday and sitting in the petting zoo with the goats and calves, i've decided i definitely want a farm, and i want to start building it with a jersey cow or two. sugar was the name of the jersey cow i met on saturday but she was too anxious, bobbing and skitting around the pen, to let anyone too close. she was beautiful--big eyes and long eyelashes, creamy tan with some white points. since i couldn't cozy up beside her, i joyfully nestled in the straw with jazzi, and she seemed to like having me there.

i don't usually post pictures of myself but darn it, jazzi is just so cute.

i've wanted a farm for some time now and sitting with the calves and touching noses with the goats (just call me the goat whisperer) only confirmed the desire. i love the idea of pulling on my rubber boots for chores like mucking the barn, collecting eggs, rounding up the cows, or sheering the sheep.

city life is fun and i like the conveniences it offers, especially with san francisco being so close, but when i'm home on the ohio farm or out in the countryside, i find myself longing for that emotional and physical freedom--the fresh air, the rolling hills, the sounds, the spike in my creative mind.

maybe someday.
maybe someday.

autumn is the perfect season.

today is the first day it actually feels like autumn and my heart is singing. i love this time of year. i love the way it smells and how it feels different; how you can actually feel the sense of change hanging in the air; the crisp air and its faint smokiness; tying on my apron and pouring over the kitchen stovetop; ooo-ing and awww-ing over the colours of the sky and changing leaves. it's the perfect season.

because i knew i couldn't be alone in my adoration for this wonderful time of year, i petitioned a few of my nearest and dearest to share a few things they love.

cozy up in a sweater, pull on woolly socks, poor a cup of tea and add to the list by sharing your own loves of fall in comments. it's too great of a season to not share, don't ya think?

cold weather man style.

these scotch and soda male fashion images provoke notions of walks in cold, damp weather through woods along winding trails collecting dry wood for a bonfire and then back to the farm house for a seat beside the fire, pie, tea, and dry socks waiting.

images courtesy of scotch-soda.com

where i'd rather be--

images courtesy of urbanoutfitters.tumblr.com

i like my day job; i work with fun people for a great company. but i'd so much rather be in either of the above two photos--isn't the scenery spectacular? the air looks fresh and crisp--perfect for sweaters, boots, gloves and scarves; there's snow on the mountains and rocks to climb; and i'm sure there's a log cabin or lodge somewhere in the distance with horse stables so i can ride through the valley. dreamy.

is there such a thing as a professional daydreamer? if so, i should have that job. i'd excel.

fall fashion for man.

men, fall fashion did not forget about you! your options are awesome and maybe, just maybe, better and more versatile than those for us ladies. you can layer (fall is the season to layer!) with a button-up, a sweater, maybe even a tie or scarf, toss on a cap, pull on a sport coat, lace up your boots and walk out the door, leather gloves in hand. and that's just one idea in a world presenting a million.

to get the fall wardrobe ideas rolling, check out these eclectic and over-the-top looks from gant. they're cozy, warm, and deliciously fall.

images courtesy of us.gant.com

my favourite fall piece for men that i've seen so far is the red and black checked sweater jacket pictured above. it's lambswool. $298.00 lambswool. to. die. for.

pretty fall.

the look, sounds, and smells of fall make me giddy happy. the leaves turning; the crisp smell in the air; the sound of leaves crunching under your feet and fires crackling. it is the prettiest season of all, and my favourite.

images courtesy of witanddelight.tumblr.com

i'd rather be rolling around in a bed of fallen leaves than working.

goodbye summer. hello, fall!

i've enjoyed summer and i'm a little sad to see it go but i love and adore everything about fall--the feeling of change in the air; the sound of dry leaves under my footsteps; that crisp burning scent in the air; the thanksgiving holiday; the flavours and smells from my kitchen; adding an extra blanket to my bedding; pulling out my fall clothes (such glorious materials and colours, shapes and styles--from head to hand to foot).

goodbye, summer; hello, fall! as presented by pictures from emersonmade:

images courtesy of emersonmade.com

fall-in' for madewell.

very geek chic fall fashion going on over at madewell. i'm lovin' it. all of it. i think i could see her (the model, clearly) crossing harvard square with a steaming cup of black coffee in hand on her way to class. oh, and i want to grow my hair out to look just like hers.

images courtesy of madewell.com

keepsake cardigan, $72.00  /  flutterfall skirt, $145.00  /  hampstead trench, $198.00  /  the biker boot, $248.00

the harvest moon.

have you ever noticed the harvest moon on an early fall evening? when it's only dusk and the moon is still rising to the sky? and how it seems larger than the entire sky with its golden glow? its beauty blows my mind and stops me dead in my tracks.

in days of old, it was named the harvest moon because it provided more light for the farmers to continue their fall harvest.

isn't it romantic? what an inspiring sight to behold.

image courtesy of matthias kobel via examiner.com

learn more here and here.

falling for fall.

i've been telling my friend, cah, a lot recently that i love fall because it has the best fashion. the materials, styles, textures--divine. it's a time for tweed, elegant scarves, lots of wool cardigans, gorgeous coats and risky stockings. i love getting all bundled up, wrapping scarves, pulling on gloves, choosing a hat, and heading out into the dark evening and watching my breath disappear into the air. i love this time of year. every year.

i think men look better in the fall, too, for most of the same reasons--tweed and herringbone jackets, suede boots, scarves, gloves, v-neck sweaters, the occasional plaid flannel shirt, hats and caps. swoon!

images courtesy of jcrewing.tumblr.com

for us in the bay area, fall temperatures come around mid-november so i have to wait a little longer than most. frustrating--a little. but totally worth the wait.